I have been debating writing about this topic since I started blogging a few months ago for a few reasons.
1.) I wasn't sure how to put my thoughts and feelings into words
2.) I knew it would be long
I keep thinking about it and I have finally decided that I'm just going to jump in and do it. I'm not sure how long this will take so please hang in there while I get this out of my system.
I'm not sure where to start this story so I will start where I started. For my wedding I wanted to have a cathedral length veil but I was not willing to pay for one from a store. So my Grandma bought some tulle that matched the color white of my dress and she cut the bottom to match my train, then I sat for weeks and weeks with that veil on my living room floor gluing teeny tiny pearlized beads to it. At the time I worked for a Fitness Center and I opened the club everyday so I was home by 2 in the afternoon. That gave me a few hours each day to work on it before Dave got home from work. During this time I had a lot of time to think about all kinds of things. One day I was sitting there gluing the beads on and this weird thought popped into my head while I was staring at a picture of my dad taken a year before he passed away.
I instantly burst into tears at the thought of this idea being true. No way, but maybe, actually yes! The next hour was so long while I waited for Dave to get home. As soon as he walked in the door I said to him "I think I'm adopted!" I figured Dave would think I was crazy and tell me I needed some help but instead he said that it would explain some things that never made sense to him but he wanted to know why I thought this.
We sat down and I started explaining to him why I thought my dad adopted me.
1.) I look nothing like my brother and sister
2.) I've never felt comfortable with my dad's family
3.) When I was born I had my mother's maiden name but at the age of 3 it was changed to my dad's name. The kicker with this one is I remember going to the courthouse and being in the judges chamber and if I was just taking my biological fathers last name then I wouldn't have had to go through all of that.
4.) Oh yeah, my mom and dad weren't married until I was 1 but they waited for 2 years to change my name
5.) When I was 16 and going to get my temps we had to get a new SSN card because my mom lost mine and the lady told my mom that a Jessica Jurden didn't exist only a Jessica Harmon. At this point my mom made me go out to the car and wait. When she came out she said that the reason they couldn't find me is that when I changed my name they kept my SSN# the same.
6.) My mom got into a fight one time with my youngest brothers father and when I refused to leave the room he told my mom if she didn't make me he would tell me what she didn't want me to know.
Now I know some of those could very easily have other explanations to them but nothing ever added up to me and Dave agreed with me that he thought my dad adopted me. The next question was how to find out for sure, where do I start because I was not comfortable asking my mom. So I just sat with this for the time being. I mean I did have a wedding to plan and that was number one on my list. It wasn't like the truth behind who my father was would change if I didn't find the truth right then and there.