Saturday, August 2, 2008

Biological Father: Chapter 3

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

The next few weeks were kind of hard for me. I believed I was adopted more and more yet I still didn’t have any real proof just my gut instinct and a few odd facts. It didn’t help that it was December which is usually a very difficult month for my family. My father died on December 15, 1986 at the age of 29 from skin cancer. I was 5 years old at the time but I remember so many things about him including the events of the day he passed away which makes it a difficult day in a normal year. I also had my son’s first birthday and of course Christmas to contend with so I put things off.

As soon as the holidays were over I started doing some research online trying to find Marriage or Divorce records of my mom’s hoping that would give me Mike’s last name. Of course things back then were not entered into computers and once they started using computers they didn’t add those records in. I don’t live in the same town that they got married in so taking a trip to the courthouse was not an option with a three year old and a one year old. I also started doing research on how to find your adoption records, which is not an easy process. It requires a court order which in most cases it is nearly impossible to get.

By this time I was starting to become angry. All I wanted was the truth and it should be so easy to get by just asking my mom, but I couldn’t. If I was right I knew she wouldn’t be able to handle that and I didn’t want to be the one to push her over that edge and back into a depression again after just working her way out of a very dark place. I was also starting to go through and identity crisis of my own. I felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore. For me that was very strange because I had always been so confident in who I was as a person. I loved being able to know what I wanted and then going and getting it but this time I knew what I wanted but I couldn’t get it. It was very difficult for me to talk about all of this with anyone except Dave and Steph. I felt like they were the only ones that really understood me enough to understand what I was going through but even when I would talk with them I still felt alone in this situation. I constantly found myself wondering why? Why didn’t my mom tell Mike she was pregnant, why did my dad adopt me, why hasn’t anyone ever told me, why me, why, why, why.

I knew if I wanted to find myself again I was going to have to find the truth in all of this, but how?

5 comments:

Tiffany McCallen said...

What a terrible feeling to not know who you are... but the good news is no matter who your biodad is, it doesn't change the person you've become. You're still Jess, an amazing mommy and a first-rate friend (and a hot wife too!). Your story is thrilling, Jess. Keep telling it!

T. A. Brown said...

I agree that it is hard to get adoption records opened, even with a petition. You just need the right judge. You also need a whole lot of creative thinking to find out in other ways. Try some search angels in the town where the marriage records are and you won't have to go there yourself. Google "Search Angels" with the quotes and you will find people willing to help you for free or for just the cost of the copies.

Good Luck,
Teri Brown
Adoption Records Handbook
http://www.AdoptionRecords.com

Candid Carrie said...

How difficult to keep facing the one person that knows the entire story with intimate details and not being able to ask questions.

I can't imagine that feeling.

Mom to 3 Monkeys said...

I am loving your story. I know it was not easy to live it but it makes a riveting tale and I am anxious to hear the next installment. Way to go, making a point to write it down!!

Kelly said...

I can't imagine the turmoil you must have been feeling inside...how frustrating!