Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Biological Father: Chapter 8

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

I’m not sure if I went about that conversation the right way, is there even a right way to do that. I do know that when he said to me “she wasn’t KNOCKED UP” I became very angry. What kind of jerk would make that statement? I also know that it is possible he was in shock; I mean it can’t be easy to receive a phone call like that. So I tried to let the rude comment go and I had a little bit of hope that once he had a chance to digest things and think he would call me back. I purposely did not block our phone number so if he had Caller ID he would have my #.

Weeks went by and I heard nothing. I wasn’t really sure where to go from here. Do I call him again, do I want to? I sat down and tried to write him a letter but it just sounded so stupid.

About two months after all of this my mom and I were in the car on the way to Jo Ann Fabrics and my mom turns to me and says that she needs to tell me something. She says that my Aunt told her that I asked who my father was. She goes on to say that she wished I would have come to her and that John is my true father. She then tells me that shortly before she left Mike she had come home and ran into my dad, he started coming up to see her and they were having an affair when she became pregnant. She knew she couldn’t get a divorce pregnant, and she knew that she couldn’t move back home with my Grandma if she told her it was my dad’s and not Mikes so she lied to my Grandma and said that it was Mike’s so she could move home. The last thing she says to me is that she never told the truth because she was ashamed of what she had done. I should inform you that when my Aunt told my mom I asked her she also told my mom that she didn’t tell me but said that I needed to ask my mom so my mom had no clue all the information I had.

Could this be the truth and the way things really happen? Sure it COULD be, but I didn’t buy it. Over the years I have learned a lot from Dave as far as how to read people and my mom had every single sign of a person lying. Not to mention there were things that still didn’t add up, like why I look nothing like Steph and Nick who look like each other. Of course as soon as I got home I called my Aunt to get her opinion on all of what my mom had told me earlier that day. My Aunt agreed with me that my mom was lying and the reason she knew she was lying to me was because my mom had told her during their conversation about my question that and I quote “She would go to the grave with the secret that Mike was my father”

I could have screamed in that moment. My mother had been given the chance to come clean and instead she chooses to continue the lie. I can completely understand not wanting to tell me as a child, but as an adult who is wondering this, why lie? Some people may say that she has her reason and it may be too hard for her to talk about or deal with but that’s not ok with me. This is who I am and I have the right to know the truth. If she would have said to me that yes my dad adopted me and that Mike was my father but she wasn’t strong enough to talk about it I would have understood. Remember I wasn’t asking her because I knew she couldn’t handle it. The last thing I wanted to do was upset my mom because of everything going on in her life because I Love her. Even though I was so angry, and still am, I still love her. She is my mother and the only parent that raised me. She gave me a good life and taught me to be a good person so I will never stop loving her. I do have a lot of problems trusting her and respecting her after all of this and this is something I am working on changing. I’ve never brought this subject back up with her partly because I don’t know how and partly because I think she will just lie again.

I have also not tried to contact Mike since that day last July. Numerous times I have typed a letter but every time I delete it. I’m not sure what to say or how to say it. I also am not sure that I want to contact him. Up until a few days ago I thought the only thing I truly wanted from him was to know his medical history for myself and my children but a very wise lady who has adopted children said that if that’s all I was looking for than it wasn’t worth it. I’ve made it 27 years without needing his medical history or an organ so why would I need at this point. I had never looked at it like that but she is right I don’t need that information to live my life. So do I need his acknowledgement, or am I just fine with the way things are?

The one thing I have always been sure of through this entire process is that my father was and will always be John William Jurden and I am so grateful to him for loving me so much he adopted me and made me his daughter. I always knew he was a special, wonderful, kind man from the way his family and friends talked about him but knowing what I know now just proves that to me.

When I started writing my story I had been holding a lot in for a long time and as I finished each chapter of this story I felt a little weight being lifted off my shoulders. Sitting here writing this last paragraph I feel like I am finally ready to move into the next chapter of my life whatever that may be. I have also come to realize while I may never know where I came from I still know who I am now and what I want out of life. I just hope I can teach my children how to find themselves and be happy with who they are.


Tiffany McCallen said...

Wow, Jess. I hope that the next chapter, whatever it may be, unfolds itself exactly the way its meant to be. And I hope more than anything that you now have peace. Much love to you...

Mom to 3 Monkeys said...

Wow! What a story! That is an amazing part of your life and its really great you shared it and even got something out of it by sharing. I have been riveted, and I think you seem like a great person exactly as you are without needing anyone else to validate that.

Kelly said...

I'm glad that telling this story has helped you get some of your thoughts straight and process the story.
I understand how you feel about your Mom. It totally sucks when you realized how flawed they can be (especially catching them in a lie); I'm glad you still see the good in all she did for you.
I realize I'm rambling on...I think Tiffany said it beautifully so I'll just say, "ditto"